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The Adventures of Spanky McCoy Gentleman Racer
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DaCheese



Joined: 05 Sep 2007
Posts: 1471
Location: GMR Towers, South Shropshire, UK.

PostPosted: Fri Apr 04, 2008 7:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Dutchy wrote:
Reports that Sato has been hired to fly into corners behind Mid shouting "Banzai" are totally unfounded.

They better had be, otherwise I'm stepping up my team's anti-Japanese dodgem driver defences.
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Spanky_McCoy
Dirty Deeds Done Cheap(ish)


Joined: 13 Aug 2007
Posts: 1401
Location: Fortress Spanky

PostPosted: Wed May 07, 2008 6:47 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

SpankyTech racing has been embroiled in a new scandal "Whackyracesgate" the three drivers have to appear in front of an FIA disciplinary panel.

Max Mosley: So McCoy can you explain why your cars are armed with amongst other things, laser beams, custard pie throwers, extendogloves and acme rockets
McCoy: Max old bean mad laps racing series takes SpankyTech racing to some particularly nasty parts of the globe, Iraq, Afghanistan, Angola, Birmingham and as one of the premier arms manufacturers I'm doing a bit of testing while protecting the motor.
Mosley: How do you answer the allegations from your former technical director that you and your cohorts Dutchy and BunsenJetson have tried to run him off the track, place signs pointing him in the wrong direction, chained his car to a cannonball and painted a picture of a tunnel onto a wall in the hopes he would drive into it?.
Bunsen: Let me handle this one, you see we're trying to inject a bit of excitement into racing, there really isn't any harm meant.
Mosley: What about your pal Dutchy there trying to drop a 35t anvil on competitors.
Dutchy: Promotes car control that does.
McCoy: Max old bean me and the fellows here feel it's a little but hypocritcal dragging us over the coals in light of the whole "Nazibumslappinggate" thing.
Mosley: Blazes McCoy it was you who invited me to that party, had I known you were hiding with a camera I would never have told that chubby strumpet to call me Fuerher.
McCoy: I dunno what you're talking about old bean

Will SpankyTech racing be banned from further competition
Will Middenrat keep taking the attempts on his life as playful antics
Will Dutchy and Bunsen ever get their new cars

Find out this and more next time on the Adventures of Spanky McCoy Gentleman Racer......................
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Spanky_McCoy
Dirty Deeds Done Cheap(ish)


Joined: 13 Aug 2007
Posts: 1401
Location: Fortress Spanky

PostPosted: Fri May 23, 2008 7:10 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

After some financial difficulties Green Missile Racing has decided to try and raise finance for it's new car on Dragons Den.

Host: So mr DaCheese or should we call you the Fourth Duke of Fromage?.
DaCheese: DaCheese is fine
Host: So you've come to try and raise £100million to put your racing team back into the Mad Laps racing series.
DaCheese: Yes me and my associate Middenrat have come to raise finance to thwart the evil SpankyTech racing team.
Host: Oh that's a coincidence.
Middenrat: Oh bloody hell he's the new Dragon isn't he.
DC: *manys a expletive*
Host: Yes Lord McCoy took over from that Aussie one that nobody liked.

DaCheese and Middenrat head up the windy staircase to the Dragons Den, McCoy is sitting in the last chair on the left with a vodka martini.

DC: Hello we are DaCheese and Middenrat from Green Missile Racing we've come to seek £100m to allow our new eco friendly car to race in the Mad Laps GP series.
Middenrat: You see the car works off a fuel that has virtually no CO2 exhaust gasses.
Duncan Bannatyne: Ahh yesh I've seen this before down the SpankyTech garage what makes yous two think that this is unique by the way.
Middenrat: Well it would have been unique had SpankyTech not stolen the designs for the engine.
McCoy: Would I do such a thing????
Dragons collectively: YES
McCoy: Fair dos
DaCheese: For £100million we guarantee that you will get a 1% return on your investement by 2089
Peter Jones: Did you say 1%
DaCheese: We did
Peter Jones: I'm out
Duncan Bannatyne: Oh you betchas I'm out lads
Theo Paphitis: You know what I really hate
Middenrat: Let me guess, people who come in with a pitch asking for a load of money, not having anything to back up the financial figures quoted and ultimately wasting your time, is that anywhere close.
Theo: Got it in one me old mucker..................I'm out
Deborah: I'm with Theo on this I absolutely hate a pitch that...
DC: Ahh shut it you ugly minger guess what we don't want your money anyway.

Hosts voiceover tries to drown out the sound of DaCheese swearing at Deborah "With all the other Dragons out it leaves only Lord McCoy who hasn't declared his interest"

Middenrat: Well come on then tell us you're out
McCoy: Oh I'm not out
DaCheese: Waaahhhhh
Middenrat: What sneaky downright conniving scheme have you got in mind
McCoy: Give you a £100m so you can race
DaCheese: Waaaaahhhhhhhh
Middenrat: *slaps DaCheese* Stop it man your embarrassing me. There has got to be a catch.
McCoy: Of course there is a catch I'm not bleeding Andrew Carnegie, for my investment I expect you guys to test the new SpankyTech military industries weapons platform designed for the automobile industry
DaCheese: How do you mean test?
McCoy: Jesus wept I mean strap em to your motor to increase its firepower
DaCheese: Whats to stop us shooting at you
McCoy: Failsafe, can't fire at any SpankyTech motor I'm afraid old bean
Middenrat: Well skipper I think you might have a deal
DaCheese: Whoa whoa whoa hold on, he's basically wanting us to kill the other racers
Middenrat: Where's the problem

Will DaCheese overcome his moral outrage and start shooting the track up like an irate US Postal service worker
Will Middenrat take the opportunity to blow Ste Unit and Steve off the track like ragdolls
Will Spanky tell them what other fiendish scheme he has in store for them
Find out all this and more in the next booze fuelled installment of The Adventures of Spanky McCoy Gentleman Racer.
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Middenrat
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Joined: 10 Aug 2007
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PostPosted: Fri May 23, 2008 8:55 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Laughing it's just like Formula 1
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DaCheese



Joined: 05 Sep 2007
Posts: 1471
Location: GMR Towers, South Shropshire, UK.

PostPosted: Fri May 23, 2008 2:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Laughing The plot's thickening nicely. It's not been so much financial difficulties as technical issues, but I suppose the cash all helps. I'll sleep on it...
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DaCheese



Joined: 05 Sep 2007
Posts: 1471
Location: GMR Towers, South Shropshire, UK.

PostPosted: Mon May 26, 2008 4:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Just a quick warning chaps. I copied some files off the old hard drive today; Green Missile Racing is back. Look out for the test car on a circuit near you (don't worry, it's not fitted with weapons).
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Middenrat
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PostPosted: Tue May 27, 2008 5:04 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

relaxing in the Middenrat cave last night, I put down the hankies during The Gadget Show when I noticed Suzy Perry, my Intended, was 5 months up the duff Surprised
Flashback to the Spankytech Xmas Party and Lord Spanky's inexplicable disappearance from the peasant baiting game at the same time as our mystery guest of honour phoned in sick from the phone box around the corner. 'm beginning to put two and two together, but years of bent accountancy is keeping me from the truth Evil or Very Mad
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Spanky_McCoy
Dirty Deeds Done Cheap(ish)


Joined: 13 Aug 2007
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Location: Fortress Spanky

PostPosted: Tue May 27, 2008 6:45 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Middenrat wrote:
relaxing in the Middenrat cave last night, I put down the hankies during The Gadget Show when I noticed Suzy Perry, my Intended, was 5 months up the duff Surprised
Flashback to the Spankytech Xmas Party and Lord Spanky's inexplicable disappearance from the peasant baiting game at the same time as our mystery guest of honour phoned in sick from the phone box around the corner. 'm beginning to put two and two together, but years of bent accountancy is keeping me from the truth Evil or Very Mad


Ehm well everyone knows I took the Bentley round to Lidl's to pick up some Polish Cava for the staff.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it, until there is insurmountable evidence to the contrary Shocked
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Spanky_McCoy
Dirty Deeds Done Cheap(ish)


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Location: Fortress Spanky

PostPosted: Mon Jul 07, 2008 12:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

After his appearance on Dragons Den McCoy is doing some more TV spots to try and drum up some interest in the upcoming Mad Laps GP series 2008.

Friday night with Jonathon Ross

JR: Our last guess tonight is the waconteur and sometime wacing dwiver Lord Spanky McCoy. Evewyone give him a big wound of applause.

McCoy wanders out to the kind of reception only the most dastardly of panto villains receives. Four poofs and a piano rendition of Bad by Michael Jackson is drowned out.

JR: So Lord McCoy or can I call you Spanky.
McCoy: Jonathon old bean you can call me Lord McCoy
JR: Wight.........anyway what is coming up for you this year .
McCoy: Well I'm currently working on an Autobiography.
JR: Weally whats it called
McCoy: Getting away with murder, 5 ways to make a killing in motor racing
JR: Ok, so you have the new season of the exciting Mad Laps Gwand Pwix waces coming up
McCoy: Say it down spway it Jonathon old bean, yes we do, recruiting some new drivers as we speak and I have some of the finest minds in the world cramming in great ideas for the 2008 car.
JR: Please leave the impediment out of it, its a low blow.
McCoy: I do apologise, I didn't wealise it offended you.
JR: No stop it come on now
McCoy: No pwoblem
JR: No sewioulsy
McCoy: Consider it forgotten
JR: So how is life treating you with the cwedit cwunch it must be taking its toll.
McCoy: Surprisingly enough it is, my banking division is reporting record repossesions so the new SpankyTech Industries centre for weapons design will fit pretty much into Middlesbrough since I own most of it now.

The audience starts howling and booing at McCoy

JR: I think we better wrap this one up before you get lynched.
McCoy: If the taliban couldn't manage it when I sold them toy guns instead of real ones I doubt this pack of slow witted simpletons will do it.

The audience rushes the stage only to be met with swift brutal punishment from McCoy's trusted bodyguard.

Will McCoy live to leave the BBC
Will he hire a PR consultant to make him warm and fuzzy to the public
Will Jonathon Ross get taken off air.
Find out this and more on the next stupendous episode of the Adventures of Spanky McCoy Gentleman Racer.
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Pepper
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PostPosted: Mon Jul 07, 2008 12:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hahaha ! Laughing Excellent, very funny.
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sosteve
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Joined: 13 Dec 2007
Posts: 521
Location: settee

PostPosted: Thu Jul 10, 2008 10:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

weally gweat episode spanky bwavo Smile
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Spanky_McCoy
Dirty Deeds Done Cheap(ish)


Joined: 13 Aug 2007
Posts: 1401
Location: Fortress Spanky

PostPosted: Tue Jul 15, 2008 7:10 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

SpankyTech Race Team HQ 15th July 2.03am

McCoy is going through the 74 different security checks to get into the research and development vault.

5.06am he finally makes it into the vault a little bit more tired and little bit more drunk.

McCoy: Luigi what is so bloody important I had to come down now?.
Luigi: Ahhh Lord McCoy I have finished the working on the engine for da new car.
McCoy: Luigi you got me to come back from Spearmint Rhino while I was in the middle of a watching what can only be described as the most inventive use of a ping pong ball since Master Ping batted one at Master Pong.
Luigi: Aha
McCoy: If this isn’t epically brilliant what you have done I’m going to make sure the only car you get to work on is a FIAT.
Luigi: No Lord McCoy not da fiat again you know I hate a the fiat.
McCoy: Well impress me then.
Luigi: Remember the gravotonic engine Mr Middenrat was working on before a he left for the cheesy people.
McCoy: Yes we tested it and never saw Dutchy again. It was some voodoo about using compressed gravity energy to make the car have no weight and make the car super fast with minimal fuel consumption, was a load of old rubbish if you ask me.
Luigi: We found the car stuck in the Ayers rock in Australia.
McCoy: Egads man we were testing in Macclesfield how did that happen.
Luigi: Mr Dutchy he not listen to me when I tell him only 0.0001% throttle he put a 1% throttle and the car disappear totally after the tyres explode. The car flew across da globe into the Australian outback. Mr Dutchy picked up by aborigine tribe and he just sitting a trembling ever since.
McCoy: It flew
Luigi: Si it flew
McCoy: With 1% throttle from a 1200bhp motor
Luigi: Si
McCoy: Did we recover any data
Luigi: Si, Mr Dutchy took 39 secs to travel from Macclesfield to Australia
McCoy: Did he say anything while this was going on?.
Luigi: Si, he said “waaaaaaaahhhhhh” then “help me Jesus” 2 secs later “Help me allah” then 5 secs later “help me Buddah” then he ejected outta da car.
McCoy: Right tell nobody about this and I mean nobody not even mamma when she is filling your fat eyetie mug with that peasant food you like to eat.
Luigi: Si Lord McCoy, did I do a good
McCoy:Luigi old bean you did very good you’re getting Ragu sauce instead of the Tesco value from now on.

Luigi beams with happiness as McCoy wanders off to spend another 3 hours trying to get back out of the vault

McCoy: Luigi do us a favour get me a quicker way into here something like Bruce Wayne has will do.

Will the other mad laps teams figure out McCoy is cheating the laws of physics instead of just cheating
Will Luigi manage to find the slice of pizza he left under McCoy’s seat in his Ferrari
Find out this and more in the next dastardly episode of The Adventures of Spanky McCoy Gentleman Racer
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Middenrat
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PostPosted: Tue Jul 15, 2008 4:17 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

*grumbles* I've got Pat Pending on that!
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DaCheese



Joined: 05 Sep 2007
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Location: GMR Towers, South Shropshire, UK.

PostPosted: Tue Jul 15, 2008 5:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Unfortunately, cheating gravity means zero grip in the corners. Laughing
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Spanky_McCoy
Dirty Deeds Done Cheap(ish)


Joined: 13 Aug 2007
Posts: 1401
Location: Fortress Spanky

PostPosted: Fri Jul 18, 2008 12:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Friday 18th July 13.00

Luigi is working on the newly delivered SpankyTech 08 chassis. He hears a faint noise
"waaaaaaaaaaaa" it gets steadily louder
"waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa" until a loud crashing noise in the corner of the vault. McCoy rolls through the door

Luigi: Are you ok boss
McCoy running about smoke coming from his palms.
McCoy: Jesus wept Luigi when I said put in something like Bruce Wayne has got I didn't mean just a firemans pole I meant a lift or something.
Luigi: But you said just like the Batman has, the big pole you slide down.
McCoy: You daft wop the mansion is 17 storeys above here.
Luigi: I sorry boss you forgive me I fix it.
McCoy knees luigi in the balls
McCoy: Consider us even, right what you got to show me this time.
Luigi: A one moment my balls are a little sore.
McCoy: Hurry up or they'll feel a lot worse.
Luigi: I have added the gun ports to the car like you a asked for.
McCoy: Two 20mm rotary cannons.
Luigi: Yeah boss you press a that button marked "kill de rat" and the guns they pop out.
McCoy: So what has all the weapons systems done to the weight of the car?.
Luigi: It a leetle bit heavy now
McCoy: How heavy is that then
Luigi: 7.9tonnes
McCoy: Stone me can it move under its own steam?.
Luigi: I had to tweak it a bit you hardly notice the difference boss. The whacky gravity engine it make the car light so you not notice.
McCoy: So it's working fine then
Luigi: Yeah there is one leetle problem.
McCoy: Whats that then my surrender monkey employee.
Luigi: You not work it right it can create a rift in the space time continuum and destroy the universe. You really need to be alert and careful when operating it.
McCoy: Alert you say, uhm yessss.

Will McCoy find the savlon in time to stop his friction burns infecting
Will Luigi remember to put gin in the cars drinking system
Will SpankyTech be able to put 3 cars on the grid without destroying the universe.
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Spanky_McCoy
Dirty Deeds Done Cheap(ish)


Joined: 13 Aug 2007
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Location: Fortress Spanky

PostPosted: Thu Aug 14, 2008 6:59 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

2.40am Thursday 14th August the Cheese Estate Middenrat is sitting at his draughtsmans desk drawing up some new plans. At his window two figures carefully slide it open, Middenrat is unaware as he is listening to Bachman Turner Overdrive on his 8 track.

The two figures sneak up behind him, both dressed in black one stinking of gin and the other stinking of stale sweat and Bolognese.

Middenrat turns round.

Middenrat: Alright skipper bit late for a walk isn’t it.
He turns back around and a look of shock comes across his face, before he can turn around again a cosh sweeps down across the back of his head knocking him out cold.

McCoy: Right Luigi get him out of the way while I swipe these plans.
Luigi: Si barone
McCoy: I’m a Lord you eyetie simpleton not a Baron. Hurry up Bunsen is waiting in the van and he wants home before his missus finds out he’s not there.

McCoy and Luigi promptly ransack the room.

7.23am the phone in Middenrats room is ringing he crawls across to the phone and picks it up

Cheese: GP is tonight why aren’t you down at the garage.
Middenrat: Uh we’ve been robbed boss.
Cheese: Excellent did he get the fake plans?
Middenrat: Ehm he got the fake plans, the real plans, the fake real plans and all the doodles we did coming up with the plan, my TV, microwave, corner bar with draught, 8 track player and all me Cliff Richard stuff oh and that winning scratch card with £4 on it.
Cheese: Jesus how did he manage that?.
Middenrat: The skipper doesn’t just rob a place he takes everything and flogs what he doesn’t need on ebay the buggar will phone me and try and sell us it all back to recover the cost of renting the removal van.
Cheese: My god he is a devious swine.

Will Cheese manage to thwart SpankyTech racings evil plan
Will Middenrat be able to find a clean pair of pants.
Will Bunsen be able to explain to his missus why he came in at 5.00 am with a life sized cut out of Cliff Richard promoting wired for sound.
Find out this and everything else in the next fiendish episode of The Adventures of Spanky McCoy Gentleman Racer.
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mrslongpole



Joined: 24 May 2008
Posts: 30
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PostPosted: Thu Aug 14, 2008 9:20 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

omg so hilarious just read all installments cant wait for the next Laughing
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Spanky_McCoy
Dirty Deeds Done Cheap(ish)


Joined: 13 Aug 2007
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Location: Fortress Spanky

PostPosted: Mon Sep 01, 2008 3:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sunday 31st August 2008. McCoy has been invited to the Cheese estate to look at what Cheese calls some very interesting photographs. Middenrat, Cheese and McCoy are sat out in the lavish gardens with some afternoon tea.

McCoy: Right o cheesy old bean what was the big bruhahah about coming to see you.
Cheese: We’ve got you bang to rights this time McCoy, on film tampering with my car before all the GP’s this season/
Middenrat: Check and mate skipper, wait til the FIA hears about this one.

Cheese hands over a dossier of photos to McCoy clearly showing Luigi adding lead weights to Cheeses car.

McCoy shrugs his shoulders then pulls a pistol out of his jacket pocket.

Middenrat: Easy now
McCoy: Are these the only copies gents?.
Cheese: Of course not there are another copy in the vault in the garage behind you. And there is no way you will make us open it, no way, no how old bean.
McCoy looks over his shoulder
McCoy: That garage over there?.
Middenrat: The very same, bulletproof, bomb proof basically Spanky proof.
McCoy: Can I have a second to think about this.
Cheese: Of course

Middenrat and Cheese high five and smile smugly

McCoy pulls out his mobile phone while keeping the gun trained on his adversaries

McCoy: Hello, who’s that?
JawZ is sitting in the control room of SpankyTech racing answering the phone
McCoy: What are you doing there where is Luigi?.
JawZ: He’s away on a date with Fat Mable from the chip shop in the village.
McCoy: Jesus wept, did he tell you how to work the SpankyTech sismatron ?
JawZ: Yeah pretty simple, aim and click isn’t it.
McCoy: Yeah, click on “find McCoy”
JawZ: Done it

Middenrat and Cheese stop smiling.

McCoy: Right see that building 300 yards behind me.
JawZ: Yup
McCoy: Yeah, line that up, select 100% and execute.
JawZ: Your pizza is on its way
McCoy: Thank you, why are you there by the way?
JawZ: Broadbands broken again.
McCoy: Oh right, hey no more downloading that weird stuff the wife gave me a hell of a time about it.
JawZ hangs up

10 secs later a shaft of light erupts from the heavens and Cheese Manor is blown to a million pieces

McCoy: Buggar
His phone rings again
McCoy: Hello, yeah I saw that, no the building beside it, not the stately home. Well I know you can’t see it you just blew it up. Yeah the other building, well how am I supposed to know that, wait a mo I’ll ask.
Scuse me gents is there a Frisbee on the roof?.
Cheese in shock just nods
McCoy: Yeah it does have a frisbee on the roof, yeah cheers, whats that?. No get your own bloody beer, yeah right ok bye.

Another shaft of light pierces the clouds and renders the GMR garage to dust.

McCoy: Right gents our business here is concluded I’ll see you on Thursday.

McCoy walks back to his chopper

Middenrat: That no good scheming son of a motherless Geordie
Cheese still in shock nods
Middenrat: It’s alright Cheesy we’ve got copies in the other garage in London.


Will McCoy find out Middenrat has more evidence to land him in bother.
Will Cheese be able to explain to his family why his house is scattered over a 10 square mile area.
Will JawZ steal McCoy’s beer.
Will Bunsen remember GP’s are on Thursday.
Find out this and more on the next apocalyptic episode of The Adventures of Spanky McCoy Gentleman Racer.
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DaCheese



Joined: 05 Sep 2007
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Location: GMR Towers, South Shropshire, UK.

PostPosted: Mon Sep 01, 2008 4:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You'll pay for that old bean, mark my words. Nobody blows up my house, gardens, miniature railway, ornamental lake, garage, R&D centre, test track, support trucks, fleet of GMR FMS4s, battery farm, migrant worker accomodation and frisbee and gets away with it...
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bunsenjetson



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PostPosted: Mon Sep 01, 2008 5:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I think you'll find he spared the battery farm. Wireless mouses don't power themselves, you know.
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